The Last Defender: Coloured football boots
Date published: Thursday 20th October 2016 8:09
I went to a Patrick Wolf gig for my friend Joe’s birthday back in May. Joe is a very fashionable and attractive chap and I trust his opinions on aesthetics, even if our nine stone weight disparity means most of his clothing choices would make me look like a particularly glam but nervous manatee on a first date.
He arrived at the gig with a friend whom I hadn’t met before, and almost his first words to me were: “I’ve just been telling her how cool you are and then you turn up in a f**king tank top.”
I realised Joe was right to question my sartorial effort: the only famous tank top wearers I can think of are golfers, Wallace of ‘and Gromit’ fame, Doug from Doug, and perpetual Parks and Recreation punchline Jerry Gergich – all of them lovable in their own way, but not exactly James Dean. (Just to clarify for our American readers: by ‘tank top’ I mean what you would call a ‘sweater vest’, a term which I actually prefer because that’s exactly what a slightly groggy eight-year-old would call it.)
As a result I’ve refreshed my wardrobe and I’m slightly surprised by how much better I feel about myself wearing something a little more fashionable. I’ve even had compliments from friends and strangers. However shallow you think it is, I’ve found it genuinely uplifting and it’s really helped my confidence.
It also means I now I have a pile of tank tops in my closet, and each morning when I get dressed I’m reminded of how much I was limiting myself with my dowdy choices. “Why have you done this to me, sweater vest?”, I hiss through my teeth. “You were holding me back all along, and now you are dead to me. You brought this upon yourself.”
From this we can infer two things. One is that I am in desperate need of help, oh God please help me. And the other is that you open up whole new worlds if you’re willing to embrace something a little more outré.
There seem to be a lot of football fans who disagree with that. For some, coloured football boots are a definite sign of fickle, flighty players who should spend less time preening and more time focusing on their game; while those in good old-fashioned black boots are proper dedicated professionals and deserving of the utmost respect.
In the grander scheme of things, colourful football boots are a pretty unremarkable fashion choice, but in the strangely conservative world of football you might as well take to the field in Lady Gaga’s meat dress.
Last week Adrian Durham’s TalkSport show asked whether long hair is acceptable on men; 78% of his listeners said no. While an Adrian Durham audience is not especially representative of the general population (bloody hell, let’s hope not), it suggests there is still a “look at that pansy” culture present in the game.
POLL – After Gareth Bale revealed his long flowing locks during yesterday’s game against Georgia, should men have long hair?
— talkSPORTDrive (@talkSPORTDrive) October 10, 2016
It seems trivial when we’re talking about coloured boots and haircuts, but you can track the same attitude through tabloid reactions to players’ relationships and body language. To the black boot brigade, a footballer is committing a cardinal sin if they dare grin while deplaning after a tournament exit. These fans seem to expect players never to crack a smile or have any outside interests like cars or music or sex (the black-booter would call these “distractions”), because of course we all perform better at our jobs when we’re not allowed to do anything that might make us feel good about ourselves.
There’s nothing wrong with holding conservative attitudes to art and fashion, but when you persecute someone for not sharing those values, their reasonable reaction will be to keep to themselves. In football that results in bland interviews, increasingly withdrawn and alienated players with low self-esteem, and a game stripped of all character and variety. That’s a massive shame. It’s time to ditch the f**king tank top.
Steven Chicken – you can follow him on Twitter here
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